This letter was written by  jennifer caitlín eller and sent privately to her friends; it is published here with her permission. jennifer is a member of Queer Theology’s online community Sanctuary Collective. You can connect with her at caitlinsong.wordpress.com or on Twitter @RiverSong1938 

An Open Letter to All my Friends Who Are Faith Leaders,

Monday, 20 November, 2017 is the Transgender Day of Remembrance. Every 20th of November services are held to remember and make visible the known transgender people who have died due to anti-transgender violence. Black and brown transgender women make up the majority of these victims. This year continues the trend of seeing more transgender people killed than the previous year, yet these attacks and the Transgender Day of Remembrance receive very little acknowledgement outside of LGBTQ circles. The vast majority of Americans are unaware that on this day, every year, a day of mourning happens to honor the people lost solely because of their gender identity. This year, we mourn over two dozen Americans.

In light of this being Transgender Awareness Week and the week ending in the memorial service for those who have been lost, I encourage my pastors, my friends who are faith leaders, and all faith leaders to specifically mention the Transgender Day of Remembrance in their services and in their public prayers. Pray for and act on behalf of the victims of anti-transgender hate crimes. Pray for and act on behalf of victims and survivors, their friends, their families (chosen and biological), and their community.

Today, I present myself to you as a voice crying from the wilderness. A wilderness of fear, anguish, and suffering. A wilderness so dark that it cannot even be said to be ignored or rejected, but lost. I am the Canaanite woman begging for your fallen scraps; for even your pets receive the blessing of Saint Francis once a year. I am the bleeding woman reaching out in hope of a miracle; I am extending my hand to you in faith that you will act to stem this bloodshed. I am the woman with the crooked back, bent over and hobbled, having seen nothing but dirt for decades; I stand before you now and hope you will lift our faces that we might see you and be seen by you.

I understand that the choice to do this comes with risk.

There will be those who will be surprised or confused by what you say. Still more, there will be those who reject and actively resist what you say. I know that you have a position and a responsibility to your congregants and your superiors. You are expected to adhere to the dogma you were empowered under.

I appreciate the gravity of what I am asking and I am asking it all the same.

For God wants justice to flow down like mighty waters and that is powerful imagery. Mighty waters are overwhelming and not a little chaotic. They rip apart established structures and consume them. Mighty waters are not gentle, they do not only come if you are ready, and they do not ask your permission or acceptance for their flood. Scripture is demanding that justice, true Divine justice, be not concerned with what is political, or expedient, or comfortable. Scripture demands we be prepared and willing to rip out the old structures and dogma, if it stands between God’s children and God’s justice. Are you willing to unleash those waters and let them wash away the injustices the church has shored and bolstered?

According to Matthew, Jesus said, not a sparrow falls from heaven without God seeing it, and how much more are we than sparrows. God sees us. I am asking that you, also, see us. God cares for us. I am asking that you, also, show care for us.

I invite you to engage with Transgender Day of Remembrance by attending a service organized by your and silently bearing witness. Find one near you by Googling “Transgender Day of Remembrance” + your city.

You are also invited to offer a prayer privately, with your small group or Bible study, or with your congregation.

• Transgender Day of Remembrance Prayer by Vicky Gibbs
• Transgender Day of Remembrance Prayer by Sunshine Jeremiah Wolfe
• Prayer of Confession for Transgender Day of Remembrance by AnnMarie Kneebone and Regina Shands Stoltzfus

You can view all of Queer Theology’s transgender resources at queertheology.com/transgender

Your progressive, LGBT-affirming church might have more in common with Donald Trump than you’d care to admit.

Progressive Christians were, rightfully, outraged when Donald Trump announced on Twitter that the United States military would not “accept or allow” transgender service members. Many of us took to Twitter and Facebook to express our outrage. But when we look at our own churches, are they much different from Donald Trump’s vision for the US military?

Trump said it’s too “costly” to have transgender Americans in the military… does your church not have accessible all-gender restrooms because it would be too costly to renovate?

Trump has warned that including transgender Americans in the military would be detrimental to military cohesion… does your church not have a culture of asking and sharing gender pronouns because changing the culture would be uncomfortable?

Listen, if you’re here, I trust that you want to be welcoming and inclusive of transgender people. That’s an awesome first step. If you’re feeling a little convicted (and maybe even a little overwhelmed) at all the work you have to do … about just how hard it is to meet transgender people’s demands … about how you’re never exactly sure what is enough so why try? … I hear you. But it’s actually quite simple.

Take a few breaths, we’re gonna get through this together.

If you’re committed to justice—if you’re committed to the Gospel—we put together this article to help you get started.

(Need more hand-holding? Fr. Shay and I are available for training and consulting to make your church more welcoming and inclusive—and beyond that, to make it even more committed to justice for LGBTQ people.)

Here a list of tangible actions you can take to make sure your church is a space for transgender people.

If you’re a pastor or church leader, take steps to implement these changes right away. If you’re a congregant or a lay leader… talk to the powers-that-be in your church about why this is important (you can call us for backup if you need to).

Does your church have accessible all-gender restrooms?

TWEET IT

All-gender restrooms take two forms:

1. Single-stall restrooms that are either not gendered at all or (even better) explicitly designated as all-gender. They need to not just exist but be accessible. Not tucked away in the staff lounge, not on the other side of the building from all the other restrooms, not up a flight of stairs with no elevator access.
2. All-Gender Multi-Stall Restrooms. If you already have restrooms in your church (and I’m assuming you do), the easiest thing to do is convert them all to All-Gender Restrooms. You don’t have to add a costly new bathroom; all you need to do is order some new signs! But what about men and women using the bathroom together?! This might be new to some people but using the bathroom in a mixed gender enviornment is actually quite simple: you go in, do your business, and get out. There are already private stalls for the actual business. And harassment and assault are still off-the-table (and illegal) regardless of who is in the bathroom. LGBTQ centers and conferences have had multi-stall all-gender bathrooms for ages without incident.If visitors have an issue with using an all-gender bathroom, they can use a private single stall bathroom.Here’s a great example of a sign you could use to let folks know that the bathrooms are all gender.But what if you don’t have any single stall bathrooms? Well, your two options are to make nonbinary people feel unwelcome and some trans people feel uncomfortable or to accommodate visitors who feel icky about trans people and/or hold regressive views about gender (they need to be separate!). Ask yourself who you are privileging and why. The truth is, using an all-gender bathroom should be a non-event … it’s ok to ask folks to try something new. It’s liberating!

Do you have signage to indicate guests are welcome to use the bathroom consistent with their identity?

TWEET IT

If you have bathrooms to spare, you might designate some bathrooms as all gender and some as gender-specific. If this is the case, make sure that you have signage encouraging visitors to feel comfortable using the bathroom that is consistent with their gender identity or expression. Here’s an example of a sign you could use.

Do you specify gender identity and expression in your nondiscrimination policy?

TWEET IT

Nondiscrimination policies generally explicitly list many protected classes (gender, disability, etc). If you have a nondiscrimination policy, make sure it explicitly includes gender identity and expression (we also recommend including sexual orientation, HIV status, immigration status, in addition to the more common ones like gender, race, ethnicity). If you don’t have a nondiscrimination policy, talk to your lawyer about creating one! Nondiscrimination policies are an easy way that transgender people can check to see if you care about them — make sure you do! Do you already have a nondiscrimination policy that includes gender identity and expression? Is it published in your bulletin and on your website in a place where it can be easily seen and found?

Do you have gender-segregated groups (like a “Mens Ministry”)? If so, why? Where do nonbinary people go? Are trans women included in women’s groups?

TWEET IT

Groups like “Men’s Ministry” have been for so long that you might not even think to question them but take a second to ask yourself: if you have gender-segregated groups or programs, why do you have them? If your answer something along the lines of “Being a woman in society and in the church is difficult and sometimes even dangerous, we need a private space away from patriarchy and male privelege” … that sounds like a great idea! If the answer is closer to “Men are just different than women,” you might be relying on outdated (and inaccurate!) notions about gender. Consider organizing groups around shared interests such as entrepreneurs or artists, rather than assuming men or women have certain needs just because they are men/women.

And if you do have gender-segregated groups, make sure that trans people are included in the group consistent with their gender (and recognize that you’ll be leaving out nonbinary or agender people).

Do you actually include transgender people in the stories you tell from the pulpit? Including stories where the point isn’t about gender?

TWEET IT

Pastors love to tell stories. Stories of dads playing ball with their sons, stories of the woman you sat next to on the train, stories of your grandmother or stories of a stranger in a far away land. But do you tell stories about transgender people? Because being cis and straight is the norm, when you tell a story about a dad … it’s assumed to be a straight, cisgender dad. Transgender people are brilliant (and also ordinary). Include them in your stories.

Transgender people have something unique to teach us about gender, but it’s also important that we let them be whole, complex people. So absolutely tell stories that include them when the point involves something about gender… but also tell stories that include them when the story is about something else too: trans people can teach us about grit, grace, courage, faithfulness, service, and a whole host of other things in addition to gender.

If you want to see a powerful example of how Fr. Shay’s transgender journey enriched his faith, read Walking Toward Resurrection.

Does your church’s health insurance cover transition-related costs? If not, how will you support church staff seeking to medically transition?

TWEET IT

Jesus made it pretty clear that taking care of people with medical needs was a priority of his. As Christians, it needs to be a priority of ours, as well. If your church’s health insurance plan does not cover transition-related medical costs, you need to do a few things:

• Advocate: reach out to your provider, express your support for transition-related coverage, ask them to change their policy and add it. Let them know this is serious enough to you that you will seek coverage elsewhere if they won’t include it.
• Adjust: switch to a plan that includes transition-related medical care coverage, if at all possible. This might mean taking on higher costs. It’s worth it. Would you take a plan that excluded prostate health care or care for pregnant parents if that meant saving money?
• Support: if you can’t find a plan that includes transition-related coverage, make a plan for how you will support staff in their transition. Put it in writing. Do this right now, don’t wait until you have a transgender staff person wanting to transition. It’s important to do even if you think no one is watching. You might support them by establishing a special fund that can be tapped to pay for care when needed.

If your church supports causes (such hunger or homelessness), what are you doing about violence against trans people?

TWEET IT

Recognizing that God cares about the kingdom “on earth as it is in heaven,” many churches are engaged with causes that matter. If that’s your church, awesome! Be aware that the causes you aren’t supporting say as much about you as the ones you are supporting. Violence against transgender people (particularly trans women of color) is an epidemic—and it’s getting worse, not better. 2016 was the deadliest year on record for transgender people. How will you organize to end this violence? Employment discrimination against transgender people is a sin with far-reaching consequences (from housing to healthcare to mental/emotional well-being). How can you support transgender job seekers? 40% of homeless youth are LGBTQ yet there are shockingly few shelters and beds designated for LGBTQ youth—that they know will be safe for them. Many homeless LGBTQ youth are homeless because they experienced Christian-based rejection from their families. As a Christians body, how will you repent for that sin and make it right?

Ok, so you want to be a trans ally … what now?

You’re committed to making your church (or school, club, or organization) more inclusive for transgender people and you’re committed to working toward justice for transgender people, so now what?

In addition to this post, we also put together a 15-point checklist that your church can work through to make sure it is inclusive of LGBTQ people. Download that here.

If you’re in a position to implement the changes outlined in this article, start doing so! (Maybe you’re already doing some: this process will be even easier for you!). If you need additional support, Fr. Shay and I are available for consulting and/or training to guide you, your leadership, and your congregation through this process. Reach to us at connect@queertheology.com to discuss further.

If you go to a progressive or affirming church, talk to your leaders about putting these ideas into motion, we put together a one-page letter that you can customize and send to them. Download it here.

It’s important to remember that being an ally is an on-going process, not a one-time declaration. It’s a commitment to a lifetime of growth and learning. It also means that sometimes, despite our best intentions, we’re going to mess it up. So being an ally means being in relationship with — and really listening to — transgender people so that we can respond to their needs, wishes, and even critiques. Sometimes that might make us uncomfortable, but it’s the right thing to do (and hey, the Gospel is costly!).

Is your church welcoming of transgender people? And if it is, does anyone know?

Lots of churches declare their “open and affirming” status on their websites. Or they will put a rainbow flag on their church sign or website homepage. But those symbols often don’t tell the whole story. Many churches that have done a lot of work on gay and lesbian issues haven’t bothered to study anything about transgender people. They have outdated language on their websites or don’t mention transgender issues at all.

Some folks will ask “Why do we need to mention it at all? Why can’t we just say we welcome all people?”

Because most churches don’t. Because I’ve sat through too many services where my life and identity is either ignored or talked about badly.

If your website says nothing about transgender people I will automatically assume that you are not welcoming of transgender people.

If you are a church leader or part of a church you absolutely must understand how crucial this is if you are actually going to be welcoming to transgender people. My default stance is to assume that your church will not be welcoming because most of them are not. If your church is, you need to be upfront and clear about it.

But don’t lie. If your church needs to do work on transgender issues, you need to do that work on your own without having a transgender person be your guinea pig. Please, don’t overstate your welcome if you’re not ready to actually be welcoming.

Here are specific things I look for on a church website to see if it’s a place that I would be willing to visit:

Do you mention transgender people anywhere on your site? And if so, are you using language that is currently considered appropriate? I can’t tell you how many church websites are using “transgendered” somewhere on their sites. (Here’s an article about why that’s not the word to use.)

Do you make it a point to mention that you have gender neutral or single stall bathrooms?

Does your statement of inclusion specifically mention both gender identity and gender expression?

How do you refer to God on your website? Do you use only male pronouns? Or only binary pronouns?

Do you have lots of gender specific ministries and groups? If so do you make clear that transgender people are welcome in those groups? Do you have groups for transgender or non-binary identified people? (And really, do you need gendered groups to begin with?)

Do you mention that you welcome families with gender diverse children?

Do you mention that people can dress however they are comfortable?

Tweet it: If your church is welcoming of #transgender people, how will people know?

Along with your website, your church should actually be prepared to welcome transgender people.

Do some work with your greeters to help them understand how hurtful gendered greetings might be (even if someone doesn’t “look like” they are transgender or don’t identify with the gender they are presenting as being called by the wrong pronoun or by a gendered address can be really hurtful).

Help your folks understand that policing bathrooms is not okay. They might think they are directing someone to the “right” restroom but they are actually being hurtful. Let people use the bathroom that they want to use and let them use it in peace.

Provide an opportunity for people to give you their pronoun, whether it’s by having space for that on church name tags or as part of the greeting time.

Help people understand that it’s not okay to stare. You wouldn’t think you would have to mention this, but you do.

Help people to understand that it is not, under any circumstances, okay to out someone. Even if you think it’s “obvious” that they are transgender. Even if they have told other people. Even if it’s on their personal website/blog/facebook page/twitter account. It is not your business and not your job to out people. (I can hear your excuses now and the answer is no. Not okay.)

It is okay, without saying anything more, to correct someone who uses the wrong pronoun. Simply say, “So and so uses X pronoun.” and move on with your conversation.

These are the ones that come to mind for me. What about you?

What do you look for on church websites? What has your church done? Have you had really bad experiences at churches? Or really good ones? Tag us on social media or slide into our DMs and let us know.

Want to make sure your church is doing safety and inclusion right? We put together a 2-page checklist so you can make sure your church is LGBTQ inclusive. We know you’ve got good intentions, this is how you can make sure you’re living out those intentions.

  Download the checklist now

Original photo by BurgTender